Holding on.

I've suffered with depression for a super long time. I'm tired, annoyed, angry. I just want to be happy! Some people say hapiness is a choice. For a depressed person, well atleast for me it's not. I try so hard(maybe not hard enough) to be happy, but I can't. I just can't. It feels like my brain won't let me. The moment I feel sort of happy I feel like there's something wrong. Something missing. I was thinking, maybe what's stopping me from being happy is all the anger I have. All the anger I feel towards my dad, my mom, life, the people that bullied me, and myself. But how do I let go? I try and try and try and try to let go and not be angry, but it's hard. How can I not feel anger towards the people that ruined my life. How can i not be mad at all the shit my dad has said to me and done. How can i not be mad at my mom for never standing up for herself and me. Why do I keep believing in all the things people say about me and not believe what I know about myself? Why can't I let go of all the anger I have!? Why is it easier holding on to all this anger that keeps building up than letting go?

Where is my life going?

I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I see all the people i went to high school having kids, getting married, some transferring colleges. I see people on social media i follow traveling, moving out, doing all these great things with their life. I feel like my life is just a waste. I've been so depressed that i feel like that has hold me back. I don't even know what i want to study. I've always loved styling hair. Ever since i was little I've said i wanted to become a cosmetologist. My dad has always been against it, he says thats not good a job. Ive also always loved the idea of teachig. I do love kids. And i would love to help kids with special needs. I love both, but I can't choose what i want to do. Can i do both?